Confessions, with much love
I am a woman of love.
I have scars that have not healed. I have only about 45% (and slowly increasing) trust left, for it has been breached, many times.
But I understand that my trust can only be breached by people I love, and those whose opinions I value.
So it’s normal to feel hurt.
I have to put on a strong front during the day, but sleep with tears at night.
But I know my tears are not a sign of weakness, but rather God’s gift for me to be able to express how I feel. And putting up a strong front is just so people that I love don’t worry too much about me.
But often I deny my own tears just to appear tough – and I admit that’s stupid.
I can smile at you just to ensure you I am okay, while my legs are shaking under the table where you cannot see.
But that’s because I am human – I have emotions, and I can choose to show it or to hide it.
Trust me, I do want so much to go back to the previous few (or many) years and make amends, undo stuff, just so I won’t be as wrecked as I currently am.
I would pay with my life for that chance, but sadly, that is impossible.
But I also know that my previous mistakes are God’s way of telling me that perfection is bullshit, and that I have to learn from my wounds and scars to make me a better person.
Yes, I am not perfect. I hold grudges, I hold back feelings, I am silent when words are needed and often talk when silence is more appropriate.
To be honest, I don’t really know what’s appropriate – I follow my heart.
To be honest too, my heart is often wrong.
But I am positive that my experience ENRICH me. My experience makes me think twice, thrice before doing anything.
I still make mistakes though, and learn new things every day – probably until I die.
I am trying so hard to make myself believe, that mistakes are needed to be human.
If I can forgive myself, I can forgive other people. Believe it or not, forgiving myself is the hardest.
I know someday, at one point, I will be my 100% again – more mature, with more knowledge and experience… also have come to terms with my past and happy with what I have become.
However, to be 100% myself again, it might take some time. But I promise you it will be worth the wait. I know what I am capable of when I’m at my 100% for I have been like that, many years ago – only without the wisdom that I have now (and more in the future).
I love myself, and what God as equipped me with.
I love how I live, how I see things, how I try to understand things and people around me.
I love how I love, how I make sacrifices, how I appreciate.
I also have things that I hate.
I hate how I misjudge things, how I can’t hide my feelings, how strong do I feel for things that don’t last, how lightly I take of things that really matter.
I hate my insecurities, my jealousy, and my painful ego. I hope so much I can replace them with more grace, love and respect.
But I know myself too well that the insecurities and jealousy will only rise when I have strong feelings for something, and the ego is because I am human.
I am not perfect, and that’s okay.
My name is Maisarah Atan reporting LIVE from Life.
Have a good day. Be happy. One step at a time.